Good self-esteem or positive identity is anyone's asset. It helps to improve interpersonal relationships, confidence, job performance, and make it easier for people to enjoy and fully enjoy life. When a person is abused, their good self-esteem is threatened and often lost. Learn how this happens and know that the actual method of handling it can be a valuable tool in our self-help toolkit!
Each of us are born with a personal style of gift. Our unique genetic composition and DNA make us unique. We have some boundaries that can help us know where we stopped and where others started. Within these boundaries, and in the context of our personal style, we are free to develop, question, risk, explore and experience life in our unique ways! If we allow to continue and encourage people who are nearest to us, we will become comfortable in our own skin (within our own borders) and develop positive identities.
Abuse is an invasion of these boundaries; personal attacks against us. If someone beats us emotionally, physically, verbally, or sexually more than ourselves, we will have abuse. Even if abuse is not “serious” compared to what other people experience, the impact on our self-esteem can be very serious. The line between us and the perpetrators is blurred. We tend to have some or all of the abuse liability and then assume the rights of the aggressor. As our borders are destroyed, our people invade, we are troubled by the world around us, and we are puzzled by our real existence.
The common reaction to intrusion abuse is withdrawal. Sometimes the victims will withdraw so that they are completely out of the incident. In the long run, this may be good, except that the separation almost always involves other emotions, cravings, fears and identities that can no longer be accessed. Those who are very shy and introverted, those who are emotionally closed, and those who lack social atmosphere often (but not always) respond to certain types of abuse. The invasion made them afraid to feel, fear connection and fear mistakes.
Another reaction to the invasion and abuse is an attempt to establish a defensive line. Building a wall that we think will protect us will resist this sense of vulnerability. We can become very angry and keep others armed by our temper. We can be very controlled so as to minimize the possibility of future harm. Deviating from our true feelings, we will become very satirical or interesting. We can be a good member so that others can identify us through our achievements rather than our fears. These walls feel protected but they actually hold us back. Without our anger, control, satire, humour or achievement, we cannot do our life, so we cannot be free to be our real people… We are forced to continue this kind of behavior… This makes people exhausted.
This second reaction is my own way of dealing with child sexual abuse. From 11 to 35 years old, I firmly fixed the wall. At that time, in order to keep myself safe and exhausted, I tried to commit suicide rather than lose despair because of fatigue!
When we respond to abuse in any one way, we end up losing our self, our true identity, our positive identity or our self-esteem. There is another way. Based on my own experience, I have learned the power of these positive and practical steps. These steps can get us out of shattering and have confidence in our true self-confidence. Consider the following:
1) Treat our abuses honestly.
If we refuse to face what actually happens, we cannot properly handle all the feelings and reactions related to abuse. As with any recovery plan, admitting the problem is the beginning of healing.
2) Forgive those who harm us.
Persistence of anger, hatred, malice, and even ambivalence against our abusers will only link us to them and abuse and its consequences. Forgiveness does not mean that you say it is no big deal. This is not to say that you will let them hurt you again. This does not mean that it did not happen. Forgiveness is just a choice to release them after reaching a conclusion. Anything they can do will not take away what happened.
3) Abandon our response mechanism.
Just as we must treat our abuse honestly, we must treat honestly all the ways we have developed to help ourselves to deal with abuse. Which walls have we erected? Which masks do we wear to hide others? What self-treatment habits do we accept? Name these coping mechanisms and then voluntarily let go. We may need to invite people who are close to us to join this process because we often have blind spots related to copying.
4) Embrace the truth about who we are.
Learn to see even more people who happen to us. In this regard, the relationship with God is a key factor. If we establish contact with our Creator through the sacrifice of His Son, Christ Jesus, we receive our true identity from Him. Regardless of our abuse, achievement, failure or coping mechanism, we are all his son and daughter.
5) Join the security community.
At this point, dismantling the walls and feeling exposed, it is vital that we feel safe in our community. Support groups, family groups, counselors, or accounting teams can provide us with a place for us to grow in new positive identities. People who understand our need for rehabilitation and encouragement will be greatly assisted in this reconstruction process.
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